Motherhood and mental health – it’s okay that you weren’t enough

It’s supposed to be the most incredible time of your life and for me, on the whole, it really was. Unfortunately my depression came back when my son was 4 months old and I wasn’t able to use the toolkit I had built up so well to overcome poor mental health, the main tool being distraction. He was amazing but at that age, simply didn’t do very much; his little movements weren’t enough of a distraction from my negative thoughts and feelings. He was an easy baby so would happily be indoors all day and still sleep, allowing me to numb myself with Netflix and block life out. He wasn’t enough for my mental health to get back on track.

I think a lot of people may balk at this and I myself have struggled at points to be honest that this was the reason I went back to work ‘early’ or indeed at all (my son was 8 months and I’d been planning it since month 5). I’m not particularly looking forward to explaining this to him but it’s an important aspect of my mental health journey, and often, that of all mothers, regardless of the decisions they make and their mental health. It shouldn’t be something I’ve struggled to say. If I were male, it wouldn’t be an issue – men typically go back to full time work after 2 weeks’ paternity leave, no questions asked, no judgements made (I appreciate it’s not quite as simple as that and the current (biased) system is not necessarily one all men feel they benefit from either).

So why does this culture of guilt exist specifically regarding ‘the Mum’ going back to work? Yes – in the first few months, it may have been that I was more biologically bonded with my son than my husband but we loved our son equally from then on, for sure. Still do. So why is the dialogue surrounding childcare for babies/toddlers only ever about the pros and cons of the Mum returning to work and not the Dad, or about what’s right for the household/family unit generally? The conversation assumes an innate maternal need/ want to spend all your time with this (amazing) little human, yet I’d never wanted to do that with anyone before, including the love of my life. My ‘me’ time (including time at work) has always been so important to for many reasons – predominantly my sanity - yet the assumption is that when women have children, this automatically changes - we will hardly want it, let alone need it and if you do, gosh can we say that? I feel we get thrown slightly on the ‘bad mother’ pile. To be honest, it’s easy for all mothers, of all choices, to end up on the pile!

A lot has been said on this and we are progressing for sure. What isn’t spoken enough about is the aspect of mental health, which was at the forefront of our decisions regarding work, and is not given the attention it ought to. Yes, the stats around post-natal depression are widely known but women who have never suffered with their mental health often suffer as new mums, to varying degrees. It’s difficult - your world has changed, your sleep is limited (this alone can trigger poor mental health), you have this little person dependent on you, you’re often isolated, your hormones are up the proverbial creek, your body has changed, you’re probably arguing with your husband and it’s all supposed to be magical. And then we have this guilt that we might have a solution and it’s nothing to do with our baby. Actually it’s the opposite - it’s time away. Eek.

For me it wasn’t the often mentioned ‘I needed to use my brain,’ although I get that. It was that I couldn’t access valuable tools in my mental health toolkit, which going back to work enabled me to do; distraction I’ve mentioned, as well as helping (and being present) for others, routine, having to get out of the house to another location, time to exercise and to be in touch with my thoughts/feelings, to name a few.

It’s not just people’s judgement over this (cough ‘don’t have children if you can’t look after them’ cough) that isn’t fair. It’s the current system that unlike some other European countries, charges so much for childcare and doesn’t protect the mental health of Mums who either can’t afford to go back to work – they’d have to pay money to work once childcare is paid – or those who have to go back to work for very little financial gain. I’m fortunate that at points, I could afford to not earn as much as my childcare costs and this will certainly be the case with another one on the way - I get to say my health comes first and it’s worth it. Not many mums get such luxury and whether they go back to work or not is out of their hands, despite how damaging it might be.

Equally, this is in no way casting judgement on ‘full time mums’ (please forgive the term). It’s because I had to go back to work so early that I have so much respect for those who don’t. I’m in awe. Let’s make it that whatever works for a family, is allowed to be and to not judge.

So there we are. My son’s now 2 and he’s too much! And I still want to work and that’s ok. It makes me a better mother. We’re not one dimensional - we’re complex and life is nuanced. It’s what makes it rich. Let’s not flatten ourselves by buying into societal fabrications and speak our truth. They’ll understand. 

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/motherhood-mental-health-its-okay-you-werent-enough-emily/?trackingId=S3MTqFXmTPa9r3kE6X9Ang%3D%3D